Sticks and Stones and Guns

Something that I learned later in life, that I wish I had of known in high school, is that if you speak back to a bully they usually always become a little pussy ass bitch. This would of been really helpful information when being shoved in a locker. They should tell you this at orientation. Or at least take aside the fat queenie gay boys and the scrawny geeks and tell them. Maybe they can’t. Maybe knowing this information would throw off the balance of the universe.
Case in point. Tonight I get out of work late. I am tired, it was a bit of a stressful day at my job and I am a single gay man on a diet. So I am like the Anti-Christ. It seems that when you are on a diet the smallest thing sets you off. You could eat someone’s head off partly because they annoyed you and partly because you are famished. I am still at the point where I get the shakes when I pass a sign for ice cream. You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream. God do I scream for ice cream.
I come out of Macy's, there is always room for a little retail therapy after work, and I am walking to Penn Station to catch my train back to Long Island. Or as the natives say “Lawn Guyland.” When out of nowhere this gaggle of guetto guys say "Nice purse, hahaha!" Immediately I thought “excuse me, this is a the Louis Vuitton Carry All 800, it cost me $1,100! Who the hell are you?!” However, I thought that statement would be lost on them. So instead I decide to speak in their language... “Fuuuuck you!" I say, with any over emphasized uuuuck! One of them giggles at the one who had said nice purse. I wasn't happy. I then turn around and walk back to them.
This is something I never would of done in high school. I felt so tough, like John Wayne approaching his enemy. I could almost hear the whistling music in the background. I swear a tumble weed blew by. I wanted to say "You better watch yo mouth before I pop a cap in yo head bitch"....but then I remembered I was white, and that I also didn't have a gun. I don't like to not be able to follow through on my death threats. I like to be a man of his words. So instead I say "What?! What?!” To which they said nothing. “Ya not so fucking tough when someone answers back...are you bitch?!”
I swear the earth stood still, I think I heard silverware falling from hands across the city. Soda fountains kept filling overflowing cups. The city waited for their response. They all just look at me in shock, turn and walk away. “Eye of The Tiger” played faintly in the background. I walked triumphantly into Penn Station. So you see it just goes to show, we must not fear assholes. Their words are only powerful if you give them the power. Now, I know it is best to just ignore ignorant people like that. But as I said before I am on a diet, cut me some slack. All in all I think I handled the situation really well.
I know what you are thinking “Sticks and Stones.” I should have just ignored them and been the bigger person. Maybe you are right, maybe I should have. Either way, tomorrow I think I will apply for a fire arms license. After all, I’ve always wanted to threaten to pop a cap in someone’s ass...